CONVERSATIONS WITH MY SON

 For several weeks, I have been conversing with my adult son about his future. Since my son is by nature taciturn and non-communitive, I undertook a series of short conversations. By doing things this way, I was able to comprehend what he was struggling with. It was a gradual process of discovery.

 

My conversing style is the opposite of my son’s, since I am by nature talkative and repetitive. Words are like water to me, meanwhile he hoards his. That makes us a bad combination for having meaningful conversations. As I fill his silences with noise, the more he withdraws.

 

Added to our opposite communicative styles are our various mental disabilities. My brain injury and deafness has me mishearing and misunderstanding words. Meanwhile my son has schizophrenia, which distorts his thinking at times. This makes meaningful communication problematic. Since we love each other, we persevered.

 

Why are we having a series of intense talks at this time? Recently, my son quit his job at Goodwill. They were moving and consolidating warehouses. My son could not cope with the accumulated stress.

 

When my son told me he quit, we had a very loud fight. Angry, we butted heads. I kept insisting that he go back and make it right. He kept saying he was finished. He stormed out of the home, as I sobbed and yelled. Finally, we decided to have a cooling off period.

 

During this time, I reviewed what I had learned about emotional intelligence. This theory is defined as “the capacity to recognize our emotions and regulate between various emotions and use this information to guide thoughts and behaviors to achieve desired outcomes.” (Note 1) The elements of emotional intelligence are self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy, and social skills.

 

I, also, examined my emotions. First and foremost, I realized that I had to give up my dreams for him. I needed to see my son for who he is – a loving, kind man who wants to be useful and do good. There is a hole in my heart — the size of my son. Although his mental illness emerged in childhood, I hoped he would be like everyone else. I had to grieve the loss of my dream. My emotional trigger which was his quitting which meant my dream had died. One part of emotional intelligence is knowing your triggers.

 

The second thing that I had to do was to learn how I and my son process information. The communication process involves a sender and a receiver. The sender encodes the message and then sends it. The message is received by the receiver who decodes it. The receiver provides feedback as to what they heard.

 

People have three basic ways of receiving. Some people use verbal clues. They say things like “I hear you.” Visual people prefer watching for body clues and can be distracted by visual things. Finally, some people are “feeling,” responding better to touch. I am a visual person, while my son is a feeling person. We have to translate our communications from “French” to “Japanese” and back again. Because of our differences, I have to be more mindful of my word choices.

 

The famous management consultant, Peter Drucker once said, “The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn’t being said.” This is where being silent and watching body language is important. I regard a part of active listening is hearing the pauses. Another part of active listening is watching body language to see how your message is being received.

 

In our conversations, I noted how worn out my son was. Being under a lot of stress, he was subjected to panic attacks. Therefore, to have a conversation with someone who is easily startled was difficult. While I waited until he was less reactive, I learned to calm myself down also.

 

The developer of Multiple Intelligence Theory (Note 2), Howard Gardner said, “I’m saying that we’ve tended to put on a pedestal one variety called intelligence, and there’s actually a plurality of them, and somethings we’ve never thought about being ‘intelligence’ at all.” Gardner continues, “It is of the utmost importance that we recognize and nurture all of the varied combinations of intelligences. We are all so different largely because all have different combinations of intelligences.”

 

Of multiple intelligences, it relates how to achieve understanding between people. Since mine is “Existential/Naturalist,” I decided to ponder my son’s nature in those terms. He is like the tulip that winters underground. In spring, as the weather warms and sunlight increases, gradually the shoots appear. Weeks go by, before the tulips fully emerge and bud. With more time, they bloom. Seeing my son in that light, I decided a series of short encouraging conversations would be more fruitful.

 

My son sees the world in terms of “Logical-Mathematical/Spatial.” Therefore, I had to be clear, concise, and only chose one topic at a time. Then I would be courteous and concise in expressing my concerns. Wait in silence for his response. He would tell me what one thing he would do each week. Week by week we worked it, and later he worked out more with his doctor.

 

In our conversations, I learned to identify my triggers and assumptions. Then I had to endevour to stop chattering away and listen in the pauses. I reminded myself not to use my son to make myself feel better. We became two adults trying to forge a path forward.

 

Notes:

Note 1. Defined by Theresa Williams, “Emotional Intelligence 2.0: A Practical Guide to Master Your Emotions.”

 

Note 2. Gardner defined intelligence as “the ability to solve problems that one encounters in real life, the ability to general new problems to solve, and the ability to make something or offer a service that is valued within one’s culture.” He identified eight intelligences (with a possible ninth): Verbal-Linguistic, Logical-Mathematical, Spatial, Bodily-Kinesthetic, Musical, Interpersonal, Intrapersonal, and Naturalist. The ninth possible one is Existential, which is having a mystical and metaphysical sense of the world.

 

Works Used:

Armstrong, Thomas, “Multiple Intelligences in the Classroom.” Alexandria (VA): ASCD. 2018.

Black, Mick, “Effective Communication.” Self-published. 2023.

Bradberry, Tom and Jean Greaves, “Emotional Intelligence 2.0.” San Diego (CA): TalentSmart. 2009.

Cruz, Janet, “The Power of Communication Skills and Effective Training.” Coconut Creek (FL): Unlimited Concepts. 2023.

Gula, Robert, “Nonsense: Red Herrings, Straw Men and Sacred Cows.” Edinburg (VA): Axios Press. 2018.

Williams, Theresa, “Emotional Intelligence 2.0: A Practical Guide to Master Your Emotions.” Self-published. 2023.