“Common Enemy Intimacy.”

Often new Neo-Pagans and Polytheists search for groups to belong to. One thing that they should be aware of is bonding with people over their dislike of Christianity (Republicans, Donald Trump, etc.). The result is belonging to a group based on what they dislike. This is known as “Common Enemy Intimacy.”

 

“Common Enemy Intimacy” is a concept defined by social researcher Brene Brown. She described it as “a counterfeit connection and the opposite of true belonging.” Brown warns, “If the bond we share with others is simply that we hate the same people, the intimacy we experience is often intense, immediately gratifying, and an easy way to discharge outrage and pain. It is not, however, fuel for real connection. It’s fuel that runs hot, burns fast, and leaves a trail of polluted emotion.”

 

“Common Enemy Intimacy” is therefore a counterfeit connection that makes it easier to talk with people. People can bond over their dislike of Christianity or Donald Trump. However, nobody has to do the actual work to know each other. There is no real understanding beyond the mutual shared hate of something else. This encourages various assumptions within the group members, such as “everyone is a Progressive.”

 

Having a common enemy does unite people and boost self-esteem. People can bond better over shared dislikes than over shared likes. Moreover, having a common enemy gives people a sense of control. They can attribute bad things to outside the group. This gives everyone a sense of comfort and purpose.

 

However, Brown explains that a connection that is built on “snark” has as much value as the “snark” itself. She states that it means “I don’t really know you, nor am I invested in our relationship, but I do like that we hate the same people and have contempt for the same ideas.” (Emphasis Brown’s.) The experience of bonding over “snark” can leave a trail of regrets and lost integrity. This stems from people realizing that they encouraged the same loathsome behavior in their friends, that they attributed to outsiders.

 

Furthermore, “Common Enemy Intimacy” sets up the dilemma of “If you are not with me, then you are my enemy.” This is a false dichotomy to force people to take sides. (Note 1) By taking sides, they can find what groups, they can feel safe in. The world becomes simpler, giving everyone a sense of purpose.

 

A good community will not require people to fit in or chose sides. The group will respect boundaries and will speak with civility and generosity. They will allow differences to remain.

 

Brene Brown suggests the following to help people chose and form healthy groups: BRAVING

Boundaries

Reliability

Accountability

Vault (Keeping Confidences)

Integrity

Nonjudgment

Generosity

 

Notes:

Note 1. What a person can do instead is challenge the framing of the debate.

 

Suggested Reading:

Brene Brown, “Braving the Wilderness.”

Karl and Laura Forehand, “Leaning Forward: Finding Peace Beyond the Confines of Religion.”