Entries tagged with deconversion

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“Common Enemy Intimacy.”

Often new Neo-Pagans and Polytheists search for groups to belong to. One thing that they should be aware of is bonding with people over their dislike of Christianity (Republicans, Donald Trump, etc.). The result is belonging to a group based on what they dislike. This is known as “Common Enemy Intimacy.”

“Common Enemy Intimacy” is a concept defined by social researcher Brene Brown. She described it as “a counterfeit connection and the opposite of true belonging.” Brown warns, “If the bond we share with others is simply that we hate the same people, the intimacy we experience is often intense, immediately gratifying, and an easy way to discharge outrage and pain. It is not, however, fuel for real connection. It’s fuel that runs hot, burns fast, and leaves a trail of polluted emotion.”

“Common Enemy Intimacy” is therefore a counterfeit connection that makes it easier to talk with people. People can bond over their dislike of Christianity or Donald Trump. However, nobody has to do the actual work to know each other. There is no real understanding beyond the mutual shared hate of something else. This encourages various assumptions within the group members, such as “everyone is a Progressive.”

Having a common enemy does unite people and boost self-esteem. People can bond better over shared dislikes than over shared likes. Moreover, having a common enemy gives people a sense of control. They can attribute bad things to outside the group. This gives everyone a sense of comfort and purpose.

However, Brown explains that a connection that is built on “snark” has as much value as the “snark” itself. She states that it means “I don’t really know you, nor am I invested in our relationship, but I do like that we hate the same people and have contempt for the same ideas.” (Emphasis Brown’s.) The experience of bonding over “snark” can leave a trail of regrets and lost integrity. This stems from people realizing that they encouraged the same loathsome behavior in their friends, that they attributed to outsiders.

Furthermore, “Common Enemy Intimacy” sets up the dilemma of “If you are not with me, then you are my enemy.” This is a false dichotomy to force people to take sides. (Note 1) By taking sides, they can find what groups, they can feel safe in. The world becomes simpler, giving everyone a sense of purpose.

A good community will not require people to fit in or chose sides. The group will respect boundaries and will speak with civility and generosity. They will allow differences to remain.

Brene Brown suggests the following to help people chose and form healthy groups: BRAVING

Boundaries

Reliability

Accountability

Vault (Keeping Confidences)

Integrity

Nonjudgment

Generosity

Notes:

Note 1. What a person can do instead is challenge the framing of the debate.

Deconversion, Conversion, Neo-Paganism, and Polytheism

Unknowingly many deconverts (Note 1), at first, bring their spiritual problems into Neo-Paganism and Polytheism. Since these faiths are heterodox (Note 2), people from “revealed” faiths such as Christianity will often apply their learned doctrines. One problem that is encountered is that these faiths use the same words with different meanings (such as “Gods” and “piety”). The result is confusion until the deconvert finds their way and lets go of their old theology.

Neo-Pagan author, Yvonne Aburrow writes in “Changing Paths,” the pathfinder (deconvert) asks themselves, “should I stay or should I go?” for a while. The process of changing beliefs, values, and community is one of “huge upheaval and turmoil.” She says the experience of arriving in the Pagan community is often thought of as a homecoming and not a conversion. The pathfinder has finally found a community of shared values and practices.

Conversion is what revealed religions do. In “The Anatomy of Deconversion,” John Marriott writes, “conversion to a faith tradition nearly always includes adopting a comprehensive set of doctrines and becoming embedded in a religious community.” He continues, “believers choose to become Christians – it is an act of the will, a commitment to a faith system that provides them with great spiritual gain.”

People becoming a part of Neo-Paganism usually have no formal classes in converting. Instead, they read books, talk to other Neo-Pagans and begin to develop a Pagan-world view. What usually occurs is that most people become involved with eclectic Neo-Paganism. They follow the Wheel of the Year and become comfortable with magic.

Some study witchcraft with lineage groups such as the Alexandrians. Others will go from Neo-Pagan eclecticism into Polytheistic traditions such as Heathenism. Since they are actively searching for a place to feel at home, deconverts will often switch between groups.

Within Polytheism, deconverts embark on a new concept of the Gods outside of a revealed sacred text. Therefore, they need to find reliable people to ask questions of. By continually exploring, each person works to become comfortable with new ways of doing and thinking.

Entering either Neo-Paganism or Polytheism is a slow evolution of reinterpretation and experience. In response to both, people’s beliefs will wax and wane. It is not a steady progression but winds its way through twists and turns in believing.

Because people are developing their relations with the numinous, they often change paths within Neo-Paganism and Polytheism. They go from “just visiting” to “feeling at home.” Wise people will understand what Neo-Paganism and Polytheism can provide and what they are looking for. Others will discover that their beliefs lead them elsewhere outside of both faiths.

Where many Neo-Pagans get stuck is in constantly reassuring themselves that the faith they left was a bad one. They cannot seem to let go of the old faith. Usually, some trauma is involved, which needs to be addressed. Within Neo-Paganism, they will seek a solution to the trauma. However, a reputable group will refer the person to counselors who can help them. Otherwise, the group will be warped and filled with trauma-filled people.

Meanwhile, new Polytheists go from why they are doing a ritual to learning how to do it properly. New people need explanations to help them understand the numinous. In Polytheism, theology becomes how to relate to the sacred and why rituals are done in certain ways.

Notes:

Note 1. Deconversion is a religious transition from one religion to either another one or to no religion. Reasons for leaving could be emotional as the person was hurt by others or by religious leaders. A person may have suffered abuse such as being shamed for being gay. Cognitive or intellectual reasons for leaving stem from the dissonance between faith and reality. Toxic theology such as original sin or the fires of hell propel people to leave. Faced with the truth that does not fit the religious meanings, people are forced to rethink their understanding of their original religions.

Note 2. Neo-Paganism and Polytheism are orthopraxic. They focus on the proper ways of venerating the sacred. They have no outstanding doctrines to believe.

Deconversion: Leaving Your Religion

Since many Neo-Pagans and Polytheists have deconverted from other religions (or Atheism), I am exploring the process and how it effects their entry into their new chosen faiths. A religious transition, deconversion begins as a process to reject current religious beliefs. After disengaging from a religious community, the person decides what to believe or not. They may decide to become Polytheists or Neo-Pagans.

Christian authors, Alisa Childers and Tim Barnett tell what they believe deconversion to be. They wrote “The Deconstruction of Christianity” for church groups to understand why people leave and how to respond. Childers and Barnett say, “Deconstruction is not about getting your theology right. It’s not about trying to match reality. It’s about tearing down doctrines that are morally wrong to you to make them match your own internal conscience. You are the ultimate authority.” They continue, “with deconstruction, there is no external authority to tell you what your views should look like.” (The emphasis is from the authors.)

Meanwhile Neo-Pagan author, Yvonne Aburrow offers a different point of view. In “Changing Paths,” she writes, “leaving a religion or worldview rarely happens all at once. It happens gradually, rather like the unraveling of a knitted garment. There are many reasons for leaving a religion, and while there may be one reason that stands out above all the rest or a defining moment when you decided to quit, there are usually multiple reasons for leaving. Often it is because its worldview does not work for you any more.”

What starts the process is a clash of beliefs or values with the current belief system. As the person examines this clash, their religious convictions become frayed. After making a leap of faith to non-belief, they then live in the unknowing place. While at that point, the person explores the alternatives and decides what is next for them.

In “The Anatomy of Deconversion,” John Mariott lists the stages of deconversion. First, the religion that is causing them to leave is examined. In most, cases, it is a form of Fundamentalism that prompts people to leave. Then comes a crisis of faith, which usually involves spiritual abuse. (Note 1) Now unmoored, the person resolves their crisis by seeking the truth outside of their original religion. In the face of their growing doubts, a deconvert tries to retain their faith. Unable to do that, they first become agnostic and then finally an Atheist. In the final stage, the deconvert informs others of their loss of faith.

In other words, deconversion starts with uncovering fear-based beliefs and identifying emotional dissonance it causes. For example, the person tries to align compassionate teachings with fear-based ones. After rejecting both, they let go of their “bad faith habits.” (Note 2) Now living in the unknowing and the uncertainty of no particular religion (Note 3), they ponder the next steps. Finally, the deconvert finds a sense of peace and serenity within another religion or without one.

In “Leaning Forward,” Karl and Laura Forehand discuss how to find peace beyond the confines of religion. They emphasize the importance of finding community outside of the former church. In looking, people need to figure out what type of connection they want to have as well as their reasons for having it. Moreover, any new community they join should allow anyone speak and ask questions.

John Beckett, Druid blogger, in his writings suggest reading about other religions and their approach to the numinous and sacred. Explore Paganism (his term) to see if there is something calling to you. Remain open to new experiences and new ways of thinking. Avoid seeking more and more intense spiritual experiences which can become addictive.

Some deconverts find Neo-Paganism or Polytheism compatible with their new philosophies. Entering either religion starts a new process of relating to the numinous. Within both, people explore, often moving from one to another before settling in to a particular belief system.

“Road Goes Ever On” by J.R.R. Tolkien

“The Road goes ever on and on

Down from the door where it began.

Now far ahead the Road has gone,

And I must follow, if I can,

Pursuing it with eager feet,

Until it joins some larger way

Where many paths and errands meet.

And whither then? I cannot say.”

Notes:

Note 1. Spiritual abuse ranges from threatening believers with the fires of hell to shaking people down for money for the good of the Church to sexual abuse.

Note 2: A “bad faith” habit is never questioning a dogma. For example, the person does not question how a loving and unchanging God could order the genocide of Canaanites.

Note 3. In many “revealed” religions, the certainty of dogma is stressed. God’s word is revealed for people to follow and believe.

Suggested Reading of Deconversion stories:

John Beckett, at his website, “Under the Ancient Oaks,” https://undertheancientoaks.com/

(From Baptist to Druid)

Karl and Laura Forehand, “Leaning Forward”

(From church pastor and wife to having no religion)

Yvonne Aburrow, “Changing Paths”

(From Christianity to various Neo-Pagan faiths, and between Neo-Pagan faiths)